Ugh, floating along....

I'm in a rut...yup, just like a major league hitter, a three point shooter, or a field goal kicker. I'm in a rut. It's been a little over two months since I got fired and nothing is on the horizon for a job. And to top it all off, the economy is just so super right now that more and more people are losing their jobs and being thrown into the work pool and kids are graduating and looking for work. It's so hard to find anything. I wanted to go back to school for a health care position and I looked it up on the tech college website, I need 1,000 hours in a health related field to even get into the program! So I need to try to get into a health care position, without any health care work background or studies other then Health Communication Courses in college. Yeah so I'm kinda screwed! I also have this fear in the back of my mind about going to work again. I feel like I won't be adequate enough for any company now and that I will get fired again. I'll just die if that happens! I'm so scared that from here on out I'll just be a failure and I won't be able to hold a job, people won't think I'm a good worker, etc. It really scares me. I know I need to get past it but it's really hard to push in the back of my head.

Since I'm so bored at my apartment by myself, I often go back home to hang out because at least then I have the dog and I can go outside and stuff during the day. When I stay at my apt. all I do is watch TV (and I only get like 6 channels), and go shopping and spend money that I don't have. Going home allows me to watch cable for one and just relax.


I just get so frustrated with my friends sometimes. I know that I don't help the problem a lot but my whole situation doesn't help my mood when plans with friends don't pan out. We were suppose to go to that new movie Bride Wars this week (or so I thought) but I never heard anything. I thought we were going to go a benefit tonight, but I never heard anything. I think the thing that hurts the most is that sometimes I think they don't invite me because they don't want me there. Note to everyone, I have one single friend back home...that's right, one. And she's not the most outgoing person. She's shy and doesn't like the bar scene so much. So I understand when they do things with other couples but I think they also need to take into consideration that I'm the only single one (my other single friend often doesn't go out) so if I'm not invited I'm often home watching television. This town isn't so big that I can just go find others to hang with, there is no one else! I get upset because it feels like they leave me behind because I'm single but I can't help that. I also get upset when we get together and do things and it's like playing games and watching TV or just chilling at someones house. That's fun and all but not all the time. I understand you're "saving money" which is always the excuse but you don't have to spend hundreds when you go out! How am I going to meet anyone sitting on the couch in your living room?! Basically I get upset because it hurts. It hurts to be left out, it hurts to be left behind. It hurts to slip from someones mind when their planning something and you don't make the guest list. It really hurts when it's because you're single. Tonight for instance, if they went and I didn't get called, I'll be really hurt. I know I could have called but I didn't because I don't want to look desperate like I'm just aching for something to do. I guess my pride gets in the way and I bring my own hurt upon me. What's a happy balance? I'm not sure if there is one.

Alright, another thing, I have a crush on this guy who bartends at a friends bar in town. He is good friends with our friend who owns the bar and he often spends time with them bartending or just hanging out with them. He's a nice guy and I do like him but I don't think the feelings is mutual. Honestly, I don't blame him, but my friends could go with me there to enjoy some eye candy couldn't they? ;)

Ok, I'm done ranting and raving about all the negative. Hopefully it will turn around soon. Take Care All!